So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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