eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
