Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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