I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
