i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
