I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she told me i tasted like america
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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