exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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