Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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