i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
