So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
