I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I enjoy the company of your penis
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
