Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
