every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
