Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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