roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
