Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
