where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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