Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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