so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
