the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
