Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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