ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
