seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
