the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
