i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize