Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
