The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
