About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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