I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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