I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
