OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
