I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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