So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
what day is it and did you see me today?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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