Pants 0. Shit 1.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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