He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
