I met the friendliest cop last night
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
