I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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