even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
