i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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