Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Vodka?
Forever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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