Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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