I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
