Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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