it's like iHOP with fire
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
