we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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