3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Mom said you looked used
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
