Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
