There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
