No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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