Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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