Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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