I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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