i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
