You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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