man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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