Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
