I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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